Patience is not my virtue...

I’ve been thinking a lot today about my life. There are just some things I don’t understand. I can’t help but certain questions run through my mind constantly: How did I get here? Why did this happen to me? Why do I keep putting myself through this? Why? Why? Why?
For the past weeks I’ve tried to focus on (in the words of Chris Brown), “emerging a better person.” I finally realized something sitting in church tonight. When bad things happen, it gives God the opportunity to do things on His behalf….BUT He’s going to do them in His time.
The kicker is that last part. “His time” is not the easiest thing to understand or accept. Speaking as a control freak, I can tell you that giving up my “plan” to someone else, even if it is the Almighty God, isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do.
I continue to struggle with one thing. Anyone who knows me knows my #1 goal in life: be a wife and a mother. That’s it. Is that too much to ask for? I mean, I work at my relationships. I work hard. I’m a die-hard in relationships. So tell me why is it that so many people are out there getting engaged/married/having kids when they aren’t even looking to, or trying? That really irritates me.
But it’s weird. Most days I’m okay with it. It only bothers me when I have the time to stew over it. Usually I keep myself busy. It’s like my mind knows what is best for me, but ever now and then it slips into a coma and I get frustrated with where my life has been going.
While sitting in church tonight, the speaker said something that really hit home for me. He kept going on and on about how we should be thankful for the bad times. He said over and over that it’s during the bad times we should come expecting. That God can use the bad times to glorify his name. The he said it…he said something that hit me like bricks. Allow me to paraphrase a bit: You’re going through what you’re going through for the benefit of others. There is a purpose because people are always watching…watching for God to show Himself.
I felt like I was anchored to the chair. I began to feel the weight and gravity of what he said throughout my whole body. Maybe all of this negativity swirling around me is because He’s using my life as an example for someone else. Or maybe He’s using this moment in my life to add to my testimony, so when the time is right I can speak from experience rather than opinion.
Many times we ask God, “Why? Why me?” My personal favorite is, “Answer me God. I’m stuck at a fork in the road. Answer me.” The hardest thing in the world for me to do is wait. I am not a patient person. I’ve always been a “go getter.” When I want something, I just go out and get it. While writing this, I can’t help by think to myself, “Silly girl. This is just God’s way of showing you who’s really the boss. Who’s really in control.” I guess that’s enough said. God’s found a way to put me in my place while writing. Funny how that happens, huh?